Grief Does Not Equal Unbelief

The universe feels unfriendly. Deer ticks are laying in wait outside our doors. Paranoid, you say? Callie was out in our backyard just yesterday and of course, had to roll in some old leaves. An hour later, I found a deer tick crawling on her bed. Fortunately, she is cream colored, her bed is cream colored and the Lord had mercy to allow me to see this nasty invader from hell before it could cause trouble. I may have to stop using my backyard until we can afford to fence it in to keep the deer out. Then we may be able to better control the tick population. But caution will still be necessary.

I feel invaded, like I'm in some sort of sci fi movie. It's not a pleasant feeling. I wish we could just sell this place and move, but we have not owned it long enough and would take quite a hit if we tried to sell at the moment. There's also some septic issues that would have to be addressed before that sign could go up.

In the meantime, I am cycling through the stages of grief, feeling gobsmacked by my heavenly Father. I remember well a line from one of Charles Stanley's sermons many years ago: "Nothing comes to us that hasn't first been filtered through the loving fingers of God." (I may have a few words out of order, but you get the gist of it.) I have trusted in that concept for so long, believing that God would protect me. Intellectually, I would tell you that I know that bad things happen to good people, that the rain falls on the just and the unjust, but I still held on to a core belief that I would be safe from anything really horrible. Now, for me that belief has been shaken; a veil has been lifted and evil has touched my life in a new way. I have survived a very unhappy childhood, a marriage to, divorce from and later, the death of an alcoholic husband, various moves around the country, surgeries to remove various bodily organs in the pre-cancerous stage and hubby's cancer. But this, this is in a whole 'nother league. I think of Satan's dialogue with God regarding Job. After stripping him of much of his possessions and family, Satan felt Job would crumble if his physical body was touched. God allowed it. Job stood the test and remained faithful to God and was restored.

But God allowed it!

It's one thing to know this mentally, but coming to know this experientially sucks. Trusting that God has allowed this thing to happen, that he has good planned for me, that this works for my salvation ... these are hard concepts to believe deep in my heart at the moment. I would not do this to my child.

I trust that in time, I will work through this crisis. Maybe then, he will restore me.

Tinnitus Affliction

Tinnitus is hell and antibiotics are not the safe, harmless fixes the docs try to convince you. Every one of them has some, or sometimes many, adverse effects. It's a dilemma for me, right now. The lyme bacteria floods my system with neuro toxins that can cause tinnitus; some antibiotics do the same thing; every antibiotic I am prescribed has as a side effect, "TINNITUS."

Tinnitus is one of the most uncomfortable of all the lyme symptoms I have. My ears are so sensitive to sound that I cannot do the things that most people normally do, such as going to any public places that might be even a little noisy. That includes restaurants, stores, etc. I am hesitant to travel to visit my family and reduced to using earplugs when people are conversing in my own home! The voices cause me agitation after a very short time and I must muffle them or leave the room. The commotion of a normal, playful toddler is unbearable. I fear lyme will make me a prisoner in my own home. Maybe I should shove a pencil in my ear!

Some handicaps are portable, if you will. One may take them with oneself, finding accommodations along the way. A person with mobility issues can use a specially equipped vehicle, valet service, designated close parking, elevators, wider bathroom facilities. A diabetic has many food options, both at grocery stores and restaurants. So many aging baby boomers in the current population has made disabilities a marketable niche. But not so for the tinnitus/hearing sensitive group - we truly are a minority. There are no "quiet zones" anywhere unless one makes them himself. This is a noisy culture and getting moreso all the time; advancing technology ensures it. We are bombarded with sound and images everywhere.

I wonder, "How can this affliction benefit God at all?" I question his friendship, his fatherhood and his very love. I cannot serve him in the ways I have previously, making me feel old, useless, ready to be kicked to the curb, putting in my time til the end. I cry out day and night for his presence, his mercy, his healing. I know full well that without his blessing, my efforts to get better are useless.

And so I wait ... wait for the meds to do their thing, wait for my immune system to get back online and beat this devil, wait for God himself to show up in my life with a blood-bought healing - and in the waiting, I'll be putting on my noise-canceling headphones, praying ...

Lord, have mercy.

Lyme - A Face of Death

I saw the face of death in a lyme sufferer today - skin and bones, angry red pustules and scars covered her face. An image crossed my mind ... one of an abandoned dog shivering in the cold rain, uncared for, hungry, unloved with a look of misery so deep only she could fathom. She was probably in her mid 30's, no more. Single, childless, sitting bolt upright in the chair, rocking back and forth with her arms wrapped around her. Later, back in the treatment room, she began to tell her story. There's a camaraderie amongst this group of people, hooked up to IV bags. held captive by the nurse. We feel the need to connect, we're alike. For this girl, years of misdiagnosis and improper treatment have led to her present state of seriously poor health and poverty.

Lyme is the proverbial money pit. Many docs don't accept insurance due to the constant hassles from the insurance companies. I've been told by one doc that he just can't afford to hire the staff needed to deal with insurance. So treatment is reserved for the folks that either can afford it or can get the credit to finance it. It's profitable, and I'm sure there are those who see the $$$ and want a piece of the action for themselves.

We are on our own in so many ways. Tests and treatments are inaccurate, inexact, unreliable, like shots in the dark. We sit with IV's jabbed in our arms and hope that one or two of the shots hit their target and bacteria are killed. And we tell our stories ... stories of mothers with children that have passed on lyme unknowingly through umbilical cords and breast milk, meant to sustain life, not impair it; stories of financial ruin seeking out a cure; stories of lives that have to be put on hold until they can be lived again. Fragile, hurt people - most of whom cannot even recall being bitten by this unseen enemy.

And the question continues to be asked by us all: "Why is the medical community not fighting for us? Why is there no vaccine? Why is there no legislation pending to force insurance companies to cover proper treatment? Is it because we are not a "protected minority," racially, sexually or religiously?"

Where will the answers come from?

As for this young woman, I don't know how much longer she can hold on to what appears to be a very tenuous grip on life. So while we wait, I pray for her, that God, indeed, will have mercy.

Who Wins?

Too sad for words today, despite getting out to church and doing some shopping for a new comforter. I've been doing a lot of spiffing up the house: hanging pictures, icons, rearranging things. That's a good thing. But my body is reacting to all the antibiotics and I don't feel right. I took the day off from all meds and supplements to give my GI tract a break. But tomorrow I have a IV rocephin treatment, so the break won't be for long.

I want so badly to quit the abx and go a more natural route. But I'm afraid it's too soon and the ground I gained will be lost. God grant me the wisdom I so desperately need. And let my body hold up under this stress.

The homily today was about Paul having his "thorn in the flesh." Father related it to those of us suffering with chronic disease. But lyme disease is not suffering for the gospel. It is an invader straight from the pit of hell. The best I can do is try to continue to live for Christ, despite this affliction. I do believe that He will give me the grace I need to do it. All I have is this present moment and if I look much beyond that, I fall down hard.

Lord, have mercy.

He Shepherds My Day

I'm a part of a few lyme forums. They have been both good and bad. The good is I've learned a ton and found I'm not alone. There are really great people out there, willing to let me vent and give me hope and a kind word. The bad is the horror stories of people that suffer for years and don't seem to get any better. The question always looms in the back of my mind, "Could I be her/him?" But for the grace of God ...

Anyway, a thread posed this question, "How do you get through your day?" Nothing exciting as far as most peoples' lives go. But for me, to be able to post the following is very exciting! It means I'm getting my life back!

My days are starting to have some orderliness to them, now that I'm feeling better. I've returned to my part-time job (only 12 hours per week but that's all I was hired for anyway). I can now do some housework. I am back to doing shopping, but only small orders each time. I am setting up sellers' accounts on Amazon and Ebay to sell books and used clothing. That's very time consuming, so it's slow going.

Twice a week, I drive an hour to my LLMD for IV rocephin treatment. The rocephin takes about an hour to go in, so three to four hours are needed for the whole event.

I try to do stretching exercises every day and walk my dog for about a mile or so. I blog and do lyme research on the internet, although the research end is tapering off - my LLMD can do it for me :) Every evening (unless I feel too crappy) I sit in my portable infrared sauna and sweat for detoxing. I talk on the phone with my children often.

At bedtime, hubby, puppy and I settle in and he reads to me for awhile - hubby, that is. That started when my eyes were too bad to read for myself, but we both enjoy it. We've gone through a few books now and have good conversations. We pray and go to sleep.

But the truth is that lyme orders my life for now. The whole day seems to be structured around eating and taking meds/supplements. That is bothersome, since some things must be taken alone, hours after eating, with food, yada, yada. You all know this drill.

God is with me, though and strengthens me for the task. I'm am walking thru the valley and He shepherds me along the way.

I wanted to write in my diary last night, but only these words were on my lips:

Praise God from whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him all creatures here below;
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts.
Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
AMEN!!!

O Happy Day!

Some really good news on the lyme disease front. I got my full test results faxed to me and found that I tested negative for all the horrid co-infections (bartonella, babesia, erlichia and mycoplasma). This is news worth celebrating, so I did ... 1/2 a latte and a whatchamacallit, all from the forbidden list.

If your mom made pies and took the leftover pie crust, rolled it and sprinkled it with cinnamon sugar, you know what a whatchamacallit is. My mom called them pinwheels, but the guys at the bakery here in town gave them quite a different name. Big seller, whatever name they go by, that's for sure.

This gives me more hope. Maybe some of the people that have more difficulty recovering have the added co-infections to deal with, IDK. The stories out there are so depressing. I'm starting to feel better and am praying for the healing to continue.

I've got all my bases covered - in an ecumenical way. Praying for me are methodists, presbyterians, independents, charismatics, pentecostals, catholic and orthodox. I seem to be missing jewish and lutheran, so any out there, please feel free :)

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning." James 1:17

To God be the glory!

Indian Vegetable Curry Recipe

Veggie curry doesn't get any better than this! Loved it, but be warned, it does have a bite to it if you use 1/2 teaspoon of red pepper flakes.