My Light is Dimming

Head thudding again, plus some facial tingling. That's new ... and very, very scary. I don't know what's going on, but I am despondent. I see my lyme doc next week; I'm sure he will want to put me on some other antibiotic that I will refuse to take due to side effects. I want this all to end. I have lived into my mid 50's and that's good enough.

I Am a Warrior

Lyme disease certainly tends to rule my life. It keeps me on a short leash, giving me a gentle tug or a violent yank, depending on what I'm doing. I got yanked hard yesterday after spending my day doing some light housework, taking a yoga class, going shopping, getting physical therapy, shopping again and a brief walk. It was all too much. Today, I feel the gentle tug after working four hours, taking a walk and doing some stretching exercises. But I stopped before I had a meltdown (unlike yesterday).

I wonder when this fatigue will end, allowing me to return to activities I miss? Maybe I just have to adjust to it. But because I feel better, physically and mentally, I want to jump back into doing things I enjoy. I want to eat and drink what I like again, go where I want again, MOVE THIS BODY! Alas, it seems that I cannot totally ... yet. Hopefully in time I will.

Marva J. Dawn makes a great point in her book, "Being Well When We're Ill." She writes,

In a time of infirmity, the illness is one's work. Taking care of all the disciplines that our health problems require is the other part of the small daily fidelity to which we are called, beside the faithfulness of being attentive to God. We can be well simply by our diligence in being who we are at the moment.

Dealing with lyme requires many disciplines each day; it can get old quickly. But looking at it through this scope of faithfulness makes it possible, day by day, hour by hour. So, no, I cannot drive 17 miles each way to church this evening. I would like to, but I am busy battling chronic lyme and require rest.

A lyme warrior ... this is who I am at the moment. May God grant me the strength to soldier on.

Pass Me Not

Pass Me Not
Frances Crosby

1. Pass me not, O gentle Savior,
Hear my humble cry;
While on others Thou art calling,
Do not pass me by.

* Refrain:
Savior, Savior,
Hear my humble cry,
While on others Thou are calling,
Do not pass me by.

2. Let me at a throne of mercy
Find a sweet relief;
Kneeling there in deep contrition,
Help my unbelief.

3. Trusting only in Thy merit,
Would I seek Thy face;
Heal my wounded, broken spirit,
Save me by Thy grace.

4. Thou the spring of all my comfort,
More than life to me,
Whom have I on earth beside Thee,
Whom in Heav’n but Thee.

Amen.

Goodbye 2009

Goodbye 2009. For the most part, you really sucked and I will not be sad to see you leave. Maybe you'll visit your compadres in the nether regions? You will probably see 1973 and 1974 there, possibly 1980 and 1986. Damn! Truth be told ... many past years are wallowing there.

But this is a shiny New Year - 2010 - beginning of a new decade. And I am older and wiser. I am the matriarch of this prolific family. Three new little ones will join us this year: February, March and July. I am needed for help, comfort and guidance.

May God grant me the strength to fulfill the calling.

Lord, have mercy.

In the Bleak Midwinter

We just came in from a walk this evening. Freezing rain has kept us from traveling to church. This beautiful hymn came to mind.

In the Bleak Midwinter
Christina G. Rossetti, 1830-1894

In the bleak midwinter, frost wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
in the bleak midwinter, long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold him, nor earth sustain;
heaven and earth shall flee away when he comes to reign.
In the bleak midwinter a stable place sufficed
the Lord God Almighty, Jesus Christ.

Angels and archangels may have gathered there,
cherubim and seraphim thronged the air;
but his mother only, in her maiden bliss,
worshiped the beloved with a kiss.

What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
if I were a Wise Man, I would do my part;
yet what I can I give him: give my heart.

Book Recommendation

A great find at my local library has been Marva J. Dawn's excellent book, Being Well When We're Ill. She writes from experience, having a number of chronic illnesses and disabilities. Her emotional honesty gives a freshness to principles that the chronically ill may have heard before; nothing is trite. I find myself reading this very slowly, digesting the meat and letting it nourish. I will be buying my own copy ... I believe I will find myself going back to her words often.

2009 Meme

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Learned to knit via the Knifty Knitter, made a hat that will probably go to my granddaughter.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Don't make 'em.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Dang! Missed this by a month. Both of my daughters and my step daughter are due in 2010: February, March and July.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. 2010 may be another story. My dad is 93 and my sister has brain cancer.

5. What countries did you visit?

Does California count?

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A carefree, happy life. I know, I know ... dream on!

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

August ... I was officially diagnosed with lyme disease.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Holding onto my job and my sanity after the lyme diagnosis.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not to be able to handle my diagnosis gracefully. I was such a mess for a while.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Lyme disease.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A portable infrared sauna.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband's - his care and patience with me during this illness has been extraordinary.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My sister & her hubby.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Fighting lyme disease. Insurance does not cover IV treatments.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Two more grandbabies in the cooker.

The Beauty of Familiarity

I have been absent from church for several weeks due to traveling to be with my sister and icy roads. My soul is thirsty. So yesterday, I left work in time to go to noon mass at Our Lady of the Blessed Sacrament. I was so blessed to be there. God met me with His loving, forgiving, reassuring presence. I came away less thirsty and with hope in my God.

Something interesting struck me, though. Whether at mass or divine liturgy, I know what to expect. There is a comforting familiarity that feeds the soul regardless of the priest serving. In other words, the beauty and edification is not dependent on a human being. Oh, the homily may be better preached by one priest or another, but overall, that is a small part of the two services. They are God-centered.

Not so with most protestant services. In many churches I've attended, the whole service depended on the pastor's personality or the worship band's talent. This cannot be "right worship" as the word 'liturgy' is defined.

I want "right worship." I want my soul fed. I cannot go back.

Weekend Plans

My sister will have surgery after all at Sloan-Kettering. The neuro surgeon has seen all her tests and does not feel it is totally inoperable. He commented that, "It is easier to irradiate a marble than a golf ball." I find it a miracle that within a week, her family was able to get her an appointment and tentatively schedule the surgery a few days later. There is much prayer for her from various quarters; I would like to believe God is not quite ready to take her yet. We are hopeful.

I am traveling to see her tomorrow. I never feel I'm up for this trip, but I must go as she is leaving Sunday for New York, and who can say how the surgery will affect her. We will stay with my step-daughter. She has a large, lovely home and doesn't mind our pooch. Tomorrow we plan on visiting my dad. My daughter will bring my sister there, hopefully. It will be good for my very old dad to have both of his daughters there to visit him, if only for a short time. Strange that both of us have illnesses that have affected the CNS and brain: she, brain cancer, me, lyme, although there is no comparison between the two diseases ... one kills, the other does everything but.

On a happier note, I plan, Lord willing, on going to an annual Christmas luncheon with my friends back home. We started this tradition in the very early 90's. I have not been able to get back there for this event for ten years! It is held at a beautiful and historic country inn where hubby and I honeymooned. How exciting is that! I'm just praying all goes well and I feel well enough to get there.

Please pray for Nancy.

May the Lord have mercy!